I once heard love is friendship on fire;
*yesterday around midnight.
So fifteen minutes ago, I was in bed, alarm turned on, ready to sleep, but everything was rambling on in my mind. For those of you who are so close to me know that I encourage blogging so much. I disagree with Robb, blogging is “what’s good for the soul”, regardless if it’s read by someone or not; if it inspires someone or not; if it heals someone or not.
I’ve decided not to be so discreet about things that have happened. In fact, I am inspired to say this. Trevor, I will always love you. I don’t know if you’ve ever heard that from anyone, or if it’s been this sincere. I have absolutely no regrets of anything that’s happened and I can explain why. I know my friends will be either confused or upset I am writing this, but it is fact. I have mixed emotions, but I am not a mess. Why? This is a learning experience just like any other. What I hope YOU learn is to communicate with the one you are with. I didn’t know to argue with you, yell at you, text you, call you, or what. You let me in just enough, but I was scared that at the first sign of true feelings, you would shut me out. That is why I didn’t make the attempt to say goodbye, because it had to be an effort by the two of us. You left without a single word, not me. I tried. It was never easy for either of us to decide to become what we were, but I never gave up. The ups and downs were essential to growing up and making our relationship work. Did you give up? If you did, it would’ve been nice to know. It’s okay because I know now. I don’t think you ever truly grasped how important you and I were. You might never understand it. I’m tired of people saying he does care for you because it’s not true. It’s not even close. Don’t think or say you don’t have my friendship because you know damn well you do. You are my first best friend; I don’t know how many times I have to repeat that. I can’t yell it out for the world to hear, Trev. We’ve been through so much to fucking act like this now, but it’s your turn to take care of our friendship. Then again, if you want to. Being distant is the last thing we need. The line between our friendship and relationship was clearly written, so what was the misunderstanding? You know that I would’ve never been upset if you wanted to date in college. Hello! Did you expect me to deny that to you? Come on, you know me better than that. I wish you all the best in your education and in life. College is suppose to be where you find yourself and I hope you do. The only thing I ask from you now is please don’t shut out the next person who attempts to be there for you. You have truly changed my life, but not my heart’s perspective. I am still hopeful for the person that comes along and just makes me that much better of a person. It might not be you, or maybe it might, just not now. You’ve set a standard for me, and I thank you for that. I’ve learned what I do and don’t deserve. I do not resent you for anything; I am not mad about anything. I just needed to make that clear; and that I’m not your safety net. I am here though; now, things have changed a little and I’m aware that I can’t always be there for you, just like you weren’t always there for me. Some things you are going to have to learn on your own.
good luck & goodbye.
kmsr
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On Saturday, it was another day of work. My second day working with Sean. I wasn’t feeling that great, so I was rather quiet. He was still in his peppy mood; he is absolutely something. He had quite a fascination with a Star Wars fan; yes, an actual fan. He came up to me and said, “Look, just feel the wind. It’s hypnotic.” –Rightttttt, Sean.- We kept walking into each other in the aisles. We both ended up near the counter by the games, and he scrunched up in the corner. I turned around and said, “You’re fine.” He gave me a funny look. I quickly analyzed what I said, and went “Oh, No! I didn’t mean it like that…I just meant you know…You’re okay… Wait…I mean…oh never mind.” He just laughed. So I think I blushed a lot. I was leaving, so I said “Bye Sean. I’ll see you Tuesday.” He goes, “Wait! What? Tuesday? Where are you going?” I was puzzled and slowly answered, “Umm…well tomorrow is my day off?” He went, “Oh well then goodbye, sayonara, and in other languages I’m not quite sure of.” I went home with a smile.
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I’ve been getting all the updates of my wolfpack! I’m glad Tayla got her letter. When she mentions that all of them have breakfast in the morning, I can imagine it. They (Tayla, Marco, Jeremy, Dan, and Patrick) are the people I see myself always having in mind. Their unity is great! I’ve decided to spend spring break in Reno. I think it will be a blast! I’m sure I’ll get the full UNR tour and scoop from Daniel.
I’m just patiently waiting for my turn to leave. September 16. (I’ll do my farewell Vegas blog closer to that date.) We’ve already booked the tickets and hotel. I have three suitcases, a backpack, and two handbags. There are a couple of things I still have left to pack because they are fragile. I’m amped to start this new chapter. It’s a complete fresh start. Hello Seattle! “Let it rain!”
